Cant believe it has been almost a year since my last post. As I read through the few posts i made, it saddens me a bit to see us one year later, in the same spot, feeling those same things and yet we havent been able to act, to do anything about it. Weve had moments recently when it seems we may actually step out in faith and try something new. .. and then we retreat yet again. On one hand we are so grateful for the provision God has given us and it is hard to leave that and trust that we can make it somewhere else. And then on the other hand I reread our posts from a year ago and still feel those same things, and know that it will take me getting past the fears of insecurity to live a fuller life. I wanted to let go of the dead leaves in our life, but instead i dove into volunteering at kenzies school and getting a job for a good discount for material things. Why dont i learn my lesson, not sure. I dont have enough courage i guess or confidence, to step out into more meaningful things. Being a mom is getting harder, so hard to not pass on your failures to your children. So hard to see them become like you in the areas you dont want them to. Im not the mother id hope i would be. Ive succumbed to what people think i should do, or to what will result in well behaved children, instead of letting them explore and fall sometimes but remaining true to how God made them. well, thats enough for now, need to get in a better mindset i suppose.
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